I'll add to your list because I have nothing else to do
1. The semi colon has no business being a homekey
2. When a dentist has tools in your mouth, you have no control over your tongue
3. When you go to turn the ceiling fan on, there's a 92% chance you'll pull the wrong chord
4. Someday I'd like to meet someone who's native language is wingdings
5. When I watch TV, my mom will tell me to read something. So I turn on the closed captioning.
6. Armadillos are just possums going to war. (too bad they're losing)
7. No matter how manly you are, you can't sound tough saying the word "mittens"
8. It's difficult to open a new pair of scissors from it's packaging... because you don't have any scissors....
9. You can't accurately express yourself writing the sentence "I hate exclamation points" without doing the very thing that you hate
10. If you steal something from someone's grocery cart, it's not really stealing.
11. A bottomless cup of coffee, is just a tube.
12. No matter how ugly your child is, they look cute in sun glasses
13. It's never felt hot enough to me that I've thought "I need to take my shirt off while I drive"
14. Commas are probably jealous of apostrophes because they can fly
15. There's no such thing as "flavored water". Once you're fruit flavoring has combined with water, it's juice
16. If I am sitting in a one seat bathroom, and the door is unlocked, I will try to use mind powers to lock it
17. Car dealerships are the only places that try to convince you with their commercials that they're boss is crazy or incompetent.
18. I hate people who use those metallic fold out things to block the sun from their car.
19. A mock turtleneck is the only article of clothing that describes how you will be treated while wearing it.
20. If I am injured and need to go to the hospital but don't have health insurance, I can call enterprise, because they pick you up.
21. I've noticed that after someone finds something they had been searching for they always say "I found it in the last place I looked" ......? I typically look a little further AFTER the place I found it, just in case.
22. I've never thought to myself "Man, I wish this toilet seat was padded"